Guy Ritchie is a very busy man. Since 2020, the British writer/director has released five feature films (The Gentlemen, Wrath of Man, Operation Fortune: Ruse de Guerre, The Covenant, and The Ministry of Ungentlemanly Warfare) and directed multiple episodes of The Gentlemen and MobLand for Netflix and Paramount+, respectively. He's also got two more feature films already in the can (In the Grey, Wife and Dog), and recently signed on to direct the sequel to the Jake Gyllenhaal starring Road House reboot and a Sherlock Holmes origin story television series for Amazon Prime. The only stone left to acquire in his streaming service Infinity Gauntlet is Apple TV+, which is where his newest film, Fountain of Youth, comes into play. And just like the Avengers had to suffer for Thanos to get his final stone in Infinity War, so do we across the 125-minute lifespan of this ultra-bland adventure film.

I'm a fan of Ritchie, with his swaggering, self-assured brand of filmmaking being effortlessly entertaining. There's a slickness to everything he does, usually just a cut above what a standard director would produce. Based on his blitz of output over the last half-decade, I could almost forgive him for coasting a little bit here. Everyone needs a break, or has an off day where they just didn't have their head in the game. Except I don't think Ritchie had his head within the vicinity of the stadium for this project, let alone near the court.

Take, for instance, the cookie-cutter opening chase scene set within the alleyways of Bangkok. We're meant to feel like we've been dropped right in the middle of a chaotic situation, except there isn't an ounce of energy to pull us in. The overcooked editing seems to be a symptom of the need to hide the stunt performers, their presence being quite obvious anytime the camera catches their face.

The motivation for this chase stems from Luke Purdue (John Krasinski) having stolen a piece of artwork from a notorious gangster. Except he didn't take it for the money, just the clue hidden on its backside. Once he finds the other five paintings and puts together the pieces of the puzzle, he'll unlock the location of the mythical Fountain of Youth and possess all the treasures it promises. But just like he doesn't care about the value of the artwork he has to steal, Luke also doesn't prioritize the pot of gold at the end of the journey. The journey is a big enough reward by itself, and there's never been a bigger and more thrilling one than this. His sister Charlotte (Natalie Portman), on the other hand, finds herself on a journey towards divorce. She left her high-flying life with Luke a decade ago to raise a family, although everyone knows she hasn't been nearly as happy since. Almost like destiny, her job as the curator of an art museum housing one of the paintings Luke needs brings the siblings together again.

Krasinski and Portman are both good actors, but they're ill-suited for this type of film. For Krasinski, he's going way overboard with his Indiana Jones audition/impression. Harrison Ford was effortlessly charming, and Krasinski seems to never stop trying here. And the more you try to make something happen, the less it will. Portman has always been a performer who loses her edge once the budgets for the projects creep into eight figures. She's someone who thrives on making big, risky choices for assured directors like Todd Haynes (May December) and Pablo Larraín (Jackie). Ritchie doesn't possess that skill, leaving Portman lost at sea.

To the actor's defense, there isn't much within James Vanderbilt's script to lift them out of the depths. Everything feels designed to be viewed through the prism of a streaming service. New locations and set pieces are introduced every fifteen minutes, and characters speak only in plotlines. Luke and his team even have a fancy PowerPoint presentation pre-made for Charlotte, themselves taking turns explaining the history and importance of their mission. It's the bare minimum to keep you from turning it off, but never enough to keep you interested in what's happening next. That mantra might as well be extended to the whole project, although I'd recommend not even bothering to begin with.